A mommy quickly turned into one of the hardest things I’ve ever wanted to be.
I started my official journey to motherhood in 2014 but it’s a journey I’ve been on my entire life. For as long as I can remember, the one thing I was sure I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom.
After I found the guy, got the degree, started a rockin’ career and said ‘I do’ my brain went all things baby. I reminded myself that we were young, we needed time to be us, a house might be nice, yatta yatta yatta… I still just wanted to be a mommy.
So, when Adam told me he was ready to be a daddy, my heart exploded with joy. We downloaded the apps, we bought the tests, we tracked cycles, we read blogs, we made doctors appointments. We were ready.
What we were not ready for, was the heartbreak.
Each month got worse with line after line after line of no’s. I started by allowing myself one full day of sadness. But one day turned into two and that turned into three and before I knew it, I was sad all the time.
And when I saw a pregnant person instead of excitement, I felt resentment. When I saw a newborn baby instead of joy, I felt pain. Even thinking about putting myself through another month of will we be or won’t we be sent me into tears.
This was the biggest test of faith I’ve ever endured. And I’m not proud to say, I was failing. Thankfully we had so many people lifting us up and keeping the faith for us as we navigated our way through this hard time in our lives.
That’s how we found our way into the office of a fertility specialist, nearly 2 years after our journey began. Within minutes, we knew we’d recommend him to anyone that asked, and by the time we were done talking with him we knew more about what was preventing us from getting pregnant than we had the whole time.
That very same day we began our first cycle of IUI. We learned about the shots and the medicine I’d have to take, we had our first ultrasound, and mapped out a plan for the rest of the process. Though our first cycle was unsuccessful, we learned that I had PCOS and started a course of treatment for that straight away. After a month of treating PCOS, we started our second cycle of IUI.
The day before we were due for our blood test, I woke up at 1:30am with the urge to use the restroom. I tried so hard to ignore the urge and go back to sleep but I ended up just flopping around like a fish for an hour. I finally gave in but decided I’d do a test right then.
I walked into the bathroom telling myself over and over again it would be negative. Shortly after the latest IUI procedure I had been pretty sure it didn’t take and the last few days even more sure. I was just so convinced I wasn’t pregnant, but I wanted to take a test at home to prepare myself before our blood test.
So here I was at 2:30am peeing on a stick in our cabin bathroom between my sleeping husband and my sleeping in laws. As the result started to show itself, I prepared more. I started to get a little teary because I just knew what was coming. But. I saw what maybe could have possibly been a second line.
My heart started to race. I set the test on the counter, checked the time on my phone and forced myself to look away for the next three minutes. And when I looked back, there was no denying it. It. Was. Positive.
I couldn’t help but shed tears of infinite joy and just stop to praise God. To thank him over and over. When I pulled myself together I tiptoed back into our bedroom, turned on the bedside table light, and gently woke Adam. While he was definitely still half asleep, I quietly told him to look and put the stick I just peed on in his face.
It took a minute for him to realize what he was looking at, but when he did, he just hugged me tight. And naturally, I cried some more. He too was remaining a bit hesitant, but couldn’t help but exclaim the joy and excitement that little plus sign gave him.
It took 849 days of prayer, hard work, sacrifices, and tears to finally see that little plus sign appear. But as I sit here writing out my story with my sweet sleeping girl in my lap, I know every single one of those days was worth it.