better than i ever planned [emily’s story]

There are parts of every story that we gloss over, details that either complicate the story, or bring up topics that can be uncomfortable. But the story is often shaped by those very details we gloss over.

If you had asked me December of 2013 when I would become a mom, I would have said when I’m thirty. Why thirty? I have no idea, it just sounded far enough away to give me the time I thought I needed. But God had other plans.

I became a mommy in 2014. My first pregnancy was unplanned, and we were not married.

I always thought I’d spend my twenties falling in love, building a career and traveling the world. The rest would come later. That’s exactly what I was doing when I found out I was pregnant with my son.

While my now husband, Josh, and I had planned to have kids someday, we didn’t know someday would come quite so soon. But, man am I glad he chose us. He is everything we didn’t know we needed

He was unplanned, but never unloved. From the moment I saw that little plus sign, I fall in love with the tiny human I had never met. And so did his daddy.

In all honestly, I was more than nervous to share the news with Josh. I don’t even know how I thought he would react. I just knew this was big, and I wanted so badly for him to share in my excitement.

The day after I found out, Josh and I were in the kitchen making dinner. He looked at me and asked me if something was on my mind, and before I could even answer he asked me if I was pregnant. I have no clue why that is what he asked, and neither does he. I said yes and waited in silence for his response.

“I’m going to be a daddy,” he responded full of joy, excitement, and fear. Then he scooped me up, plopped me on the counter, and kissed me.

We were asked every question you should never be asked, from are you keeping ‘it’ to when are you getting married? Those answers were obvious to me – yes, and whenever we decide to. We were excited. We were happy. We knew that we were doing things ‘out of order’ and we were okay with that.

Atlas was born in August of 2014, just days after I turned 24 years old. I had never loved another the way that I love him.

Fast forward a year and a half, a marriage and another little plus sign. Our honeymoon baby. We wanted to have more children, so we were ecstatic when we found out I was pregnant again so soon. This time around, everybody else was excited too.

We dressed Atty in a cute Brother Bear shirt and waited until someone noticed at our Thanksgiving gathering. It took longer than we had expected for anyone to notice, but then again Atlas was (and still is) so busy, he hardly stood still long enough to read the shirt.

Then out of no where, my aunt yelled “Oh my goodness, you’re pregnant!”

She was with me for two months before I miscarried. The doctors said her heart never started beating.

Our sweet angel holds a big part of my heart. We named her. We imagined our lives with her. We grieve the loss of our angel every day. It’s a loss unlike any other.

Another year, a house and another little plus sign. We had been trying for two months, and my excitement was smothered with fear. I was in a cloud of what if’s and how comes. All the joys of this pregnancy came along with a nagging fear that it’d happen again.

Nine months later, our beautiful daughter was born. Honestly, that fear was with me until the moment she was in my arms – healthy and perfect. But in that moment, I was nothing but happy.

She is the perfect addition to our little family, and while I will never understand the loss we experienced, I know it gave us Elaina.

This mommy thing is so much more than everything I ever wanted. Or anything I could have ever planned. Now I get to love on my beautiful babies all day, every day and explore the world with them right by my side.

 

xo,
emily

For more of my story + lots of pictures of these sweet kiddos head over to my Instagram, @emilynashmn.